"Stop performing and enjoy yourself. Sex is all about sensation—not performance, not what's appropriate, not what you think you should like, and never, ever what somebody else thinks you should like. If you can remember that, you're well on your way to a great sex life."
—Felice Newman in Glamour Magazine's June issue.
These words struck home today. I find that I am already there, in my sex with partners, but sex with myself? I'm all about performing, concerned with what is appropriate, what I think I should like and what others think I should like.
Stop performing and enjoy yourself.
Tricky to do, right now when I am being so aware of everything I feel and do, think and dream, long for and can't get to.
***
Tonight I was just in the shower, still feeling heavy and sick, my lungs feeling tight and full of concrete, making it hard to draw a full breath. The water is warm and I just let myself feel it, be in my body, just as it is, just as I am today. Not well, not able to find my way to orgasm, just able to be present in this body, in this moment, at this time.
That in itself, is big, is different. Was a time not so long ago I couldn't take a shower without sinking into terror. Some days the only way I could get through it was to take a shower with clothes on, keep the shower curtain kind of open and just rush through it. Being fully present means risking- well everything.
I let myself taste the water, the tiny little hits of shower water dancing over my tongue and feeling surprisingly good. I am hunting good sensation today amid the unpleasant ones. Finding places in this body where pleasure hides. The tongue was so nice I went back for more of that. Just feeling it, all the way and smiling.
Feeling myself inside my hands, strong, small and capable, was bit of pleasure. Using them with awareness and applying soft silky peppermint soap to my arms and neck and breasts, washing my belly and cunt and ass, thighs, legs and feet. Just washing, letting the shower rinse away my exhaustion and let me feel just okay.
I thought about that no performing, I thought about sensation. I let my fingers slide along my clit gently, softly and it was strange, it was as if It were someone else's body, not my own, despite my commitment to be present. I kept going and it seemed so small. There was pleasant sensation but no rise to hard or engorged or bigger. It was just this tiny little bit of me. And I was in the small of it. And it made me think of a smaller me and the weight of that made me tired. Made it hard to stay there, just looking for pleasant sensation, just experiencing.
Now I sit here typing to you- anyone who might read these words or no-one at all and I shrug. This is how it went. Simple shower, sensation and landing in the small. I still feel small, sitting in my chair, feeling a heaviness in my chest and a deep exhaustion.
I will sleep in the small. See what dreams are to be found there in that little bit of me, hidden away but never safe as a child, hidden away but safe now. I am looking for a dream to bloom there, in between my legs. Looking for something sweet to find me in my sleep.
—Felice Newman in Glamour Magazine's June issue.
These words struck home today. I find that I am already there, in my sex with partners, but sex with myself? I'm all about performing, concerned with what is appropriate, what I think I should like and what others think I should like.
Stop performing and enjoy yourself.
Tricky to do, right now when I am being so aware of everything I feel and do, think and dream, long for and can't get to.
***
Tonight I was just in the shower, still feeling heavy and sick, my lungs feeling tight and full of concrete, making it hard to draw a full breath. The water is warm and I just let myself feel it, be in my body, just as it is, just as I am today. Not well, not able to find my way to orgasm, just able to be present in this body, in this moment, at this time.
That in itself, is big, is different. Was a time not so long ago I couldn't take a shower without sinking into terror. Some days the only way I could get through it was to take a shower with clothes on, keep the shower curtain kind of open and just rush through it. Being fully present means risking- well everything.
I let myself taste the water, the tiny little hits of shower water dancing over my tongue and feeling surprisingly good. I am hunting good sensation today amid the unpleasant ones. Finding places in this body where pleasure hides. The tongue was so nice I went back for more of that. Just feeling it, all the way and smiling.
Feeling myself inside my hands, strong, small and capable, was bit of pleasure. Using them with awareness and applying soft silky peppermint soap to my arms and neck and breasts, washing my belly and cunt and ass, thighs, legs and feet. Just washing, letting the shower rinse away my exhaustion and let me feel just okay.
I thought about that no performing, I thought about sensation. I let my fingers slide along my clit gently, softly and it was strange, it was as if It were someone else's body, not my own, despite my commitment to be present. I kept going and it seemed so small. There was pleasant sensation but no rise to hard or engorged or bigger. It was just this tiny little bit of me. And I was in the small of it. And it made me think of a smaller me and the weight of that made me tired. Made it hard to stay there, just looking for pleasant sensation, just experiencing.
Now I sit here typing to you- anyone who might read these words or no-one at all and I shrug. This is how it went. Simple shower, sensation and landing in the small. I still feel small, sitting in my chair, feeling a heaviness in my chest and a deep exhaustion.
I will sleep in the small. See what dreams are to be found there in that little bit of me, hidden away but never safe as a child, hidden away but safe now. I am looking for a dream to bloom there, in between my legs. Looking for something sweet to find me in my sleep.
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