Day 28- the energy orgasm

I think I first learned about energy orgasms by riding other people's orgasms during sex to their conclusion. I was used to being totally disconnected to my body and very tuned into my partners unless the sex was so ugly or scary that I couldn't stand it and then I'd just go away. As a child I went away whenever possible. I found it harder to go away from my mother than my father. Simply because she was my mother I think. And I loved her. She was the far scarier of the two even if she was less horror flick bad guy than my father. And I loved her. So I have some memories of being terrified and also hyper aware of everything that was happening.

An abundance of flesh and hunger and strange need I didn't understand. The eyes of a stranger in my mother's face. And for a brief window of time when I was four or five and she had gotten sober and left my father, she was always kind when she found the bed we shared wet because I had peed it again. Or found me sleeping in the closet with the wet blanket over me because I had been sleep walking again. That kindness was scary too because my mother was never kind about messes of any sort, certainly not messes that involved pee and I always wondered where my real mother was.

I had really planned on this being an upbeat sort of post you know. It's just all a tangle. Sex, desire, incest. All a tangle. It makes me tired. I feel like I'd really like to be done now with this business. Like to have healed stamped on my forehead. But the more I pay attention the more I pay attention. The more I pay attention the more I see, feel, remember, hear, smell. I get queasy in these moments. I always want to throw up. I also so want to protect you, me, the world from these words, from these sour milk smelling truths.

***

The energy orgasm. I used to feel it as my partners (and these were the days when my partners were men) were on their way to coming, and just ride it like a theme park ride, up and around and down and up again, the building, the tightening, their breathing would increase and so would mine, their excitement would increase and so would mine and when it was over I felt a relief, a physical relief. This wasn't exactly my own energy orgasm. But it was the beginning. For a long time it was enough.

***
I remember phone sex, when I was finally getting my hands on women. Sitting in the dark, the phone tucked into my ear and my hands touching nothing, sometimes just resting on my belly. Eyes closed, listening in the dark to the low voice on the other end of the phone and I would talk too, and make little sounds of pleasure,  but mostly I would be completely present. In my body and in theirs. I would find my way into the person on the other end of the phone. Find the ways to the wet and hard. Focused and one pointed. They could feel me. I could  feel them. I didn't need my hands to come. Some of those orgasms were all energy. It felt like an enormous wave of heat moving through me. It felt like a different sort of brain in those moments, in my body and not at the same time and it felt like rocking and it was everywhere. That orgasm was in my chest and shoulders, in my throat and belly, in my thighs and all the way through my pelvis. I felt it in my public bone and in my cunt and each of those energy-gasms were long and slow and delicious.

I was a popular girl on the phone. People always tried to get me to go pro but I knew it wouldn't be the same. They felt so good with me because I knew them, wanted them, was heated by the thought of them breaking down into real with me, into hard and wet need and ache. I loved moving them with my voice and my long fingered reach across the miles. I had other kinds of orgasms on the phone too, sometimes they really demanded I touch myself but I never liked it as much. I liked the energy-gasm best.

***

I wanted to have one tonight and I will try. I will turn off the light I'm typing to and get quiet and pay attention and bring you to mind. I will think of  you in the dark on your bed and think of touching you. I will think about the power of being able to move you because I know that gets me off, in person or far away.
I will think about you feeling my fingers pushing up the inside of your thigh, my knuckles pushing hard from the outside of your jeans at the v, pushing into you and feeling your gritted teeth, response, feel you move against me, hear your breathing hitch and get faster.

 I will remember our last dungeon space and what I felt there, what you felt there and what I made you feel there. I will roll around in that memory until I reach some sort of thick heavy movement deep inside and see if I can get that energy moving me, moving me until I come in that strange way that doesn't require fingers or electricity. It's an open throated coming, it's a completely letting go coming, it's a deep sighing down coming, it's the kind of coming that makes me want more. I can feel it already. A movement, slow circling below my waist and a sparking inside that feels sharp and hot.

***

Thank you for your patience. I am chasing this as fast as I can and feel like I'm running out of time. I have so much more to feel, to say. I have hot to get to yet. I have more.