Days 16 and 17 Sick days and yet

I am seriously sick and yet masturbation is never far away from my thoughts. This daily practice business has taken over my brain, eaten my homework, swallowed up my other writing projects and is occupying my body and brain with a striking persistence. 

I have a novel on hold- it's characters are waiting, not patiently, for me to show up, I have non fiction projects pending and work to do and it's all taking a back seat to this masturbation practice. Someone in my writing group asked me why it was a bad thing for me and I said that I thought perhaps it was because it was like being skinned alive. 

That it goes so deep and there is so much there to be unearthed and sifted through. So much old trauma, so much shame, so much alien processing around this simple business- the resurfacing of my own long buried desire. So if I weren't seriously sick and able to go a few minutes without being wracked with coughing, I'd be in the bathtub since I'm back home and there is no other place to find privacy. 

I'd be in the bathtub seeing about this deep breathing into me, seeing if I can maintain a touch, feel, finding, hunting for desire that is clean even if it's dirty. Desire that belongs just to me. And perhaps to you if I so choose. 

I'm fighting for me now. Fighting for my own touch, finding my own way back into me and it's a good fight. It's a worthy fight. I'm not done yet. 

I'll be back. Doctor tomorrow then we'll see what I have left to bring to the table.