Day 21- abstract body

Even when my body is a pile of puzzle pieces on the floor and I am somewhere else entirely, I can still find pleasure. Even when I am apart from my abstracted body, listening to my tired lungs laboring to breathe, trying to find my center which has run off to roll around with the dust bunnies again, I can find pleasure. It is my own judgement and sorrow that is causing the trouble, that and the hungry ghosts.

Cunt just wants to get off. She has no patience for my concerns, conflicts and guilt. She's not afraid of ghosts anymore, she has a long memory of really bad times, and this? She calls this supermarket sheet cake with good frosting. She's aware of home-made cake, delicate cake, and butter cream frosting but she doesn't need it to get off. She just needs the intention, the motion, the movement, the edges and slippery places, the alley ways or dreaded bathroom tile floors don't concern her.

She just wants me to do whatever needs to be done so that she can get there, tip over, come. She likes two or three orgasms. She's greedy and doesn't care who knows it. This last year or so it's had to be, most days just one orgasm if we are talking clit gasms. Which are sort of the favorite around these body parts. It's a more refined intense pleasure than the other types of orgasm when I am coming by my own hands.

So even though my body part collective is scattered, I'm on too many asthma meds to focus or be still and I've got quite a little health crisis brewing, Cunt still wants to cum. She did. She waited impatiently for me to close the blinds and put on some music. She had no patience for my attempts to try and positive think the  dirty awkward old time fantasy into something cleaner. She just thinks I'm a sissy. Wants me to be sure to hit all the buttons that take us there, even if they are dark and grimy with ancient finger prints.

I came with my hitachi wand pressed tight over my clit, pushing against it and rocking back and forth. I came to a richly detailed fantasy that built on itself, bringing in all of the sordid little pieces that turn images into a full color 3-D movie. Things that make me a little queasy when I stop to inventory what is happening in my brain. I came hard and there was almost a second orgasm but I shut off the vibrator. Cunt and I are a little at war here.

So she got the one but I wasn't going to dwell in the land of the dead things for round two.

And I suppose that's the problem, the dead things, the old shadow sparks to my desire are not dead, are not gone. They are crazy well imprinted, hard wired and are alive and well in my head when it comes time to come. Does all this angst matter? Cunt doesn't think so, though clit did like that little bit of tender attention, liked standing on her own. And I have a memory I can reference in this blog, a memory of coming without shame. I might even have two. So I know how it can be and it is a mystery to me how to get back to those places of coming with exuberance and unsullied joy.

 Cunt won today. Round one. I won round two. And the rest of the body parts really don't care they just want to feel better and would appreciate it if we could line up the pieces so they match up right and have me settle back all the way into the center of things. Breasts are annoyed to be left on the floor. Legs are wanting to walk forward in a straight line instead of in dizzying circles. My head wants to be off the ceiling.

Tomorrow I will search for grounded, for center. I might need to keep my red converse on and come around my favorite pants. I might need to keep my feet on the floor so I don't lift off in dizzying myriad directions. I might need to take a long quiet bath. I might need to brew up some magic, find a ritual and if I could come outside with my feet in the dirt, with my cunt staring up at the open sky I think I could but that would freak out the neighbors.

Tomorrow I am hoping to bring you all a gift. Something hot and fresh baked and delicious. Something that will resonate with  turned on with hard on with wet and with good and with lets have some more. That is my desire, in this moment. To stumble into some wild hip moving joy to share with you.