The solar eclipse. It was hard to see squinting up at the sky but what I could see was that the quality of light had changed. The blue sky was darker for a little bit, then it got lighter again. Many of us were outside to see- a young couple sat out front and ate pizza and drank wine and stared at the sun with no fear of burning out their retinas. I felt something different in the air, it felt denser and then lighter. I know that was just my senses having a party- all of me was excited to be outside, to see tangible magic.
The orgasm today was like the eclipse. I couldn't get there directly, I could only be aware of it's presence peripherally. The body was denser. I'm still sick and breathing was hard work today. My chest is heavy. My writing is coming slowly. And I am not coming directly. I am only the ache of it. Still scalded by yesterday's frenetic drive to achieve that coming without the darkness intruding and failing.
I am still feeling overly naked, over exposed, under recognized.
Still feeling freak, still feeling marked.
My mirrors have all abandoned me.
I don't know how to lie to you or how to tell you the truth about me. About these dark cities that lie inside of me, teeming with warped and ugly shadow people. I don't know how to let it be okay that my head works this way. That my cunt is on a hair trigger response to these things that shouldn't have the power to tip her over, tip me over into coming.
I don't know how to forgive this in myself because it reminds me too much of them. It is too like that time for me to have any comfort about it.
I want to get off on my pussy by itself. I want to get off with my clit by ourselves without the past muscling in to lay claim and worse to get me off. I want to get free of this shit but I don't know how and I suspect there is something like acceptance I will need to do.
I hate accepting things I don't like in me. I'm bad at it.
I want to write my own stories about coming and have them be the truth. I want to fix it like that.
I want you to tell me stories that have me coming and have them be the truth. I want to fix it like that.
I want holy water tossed on this shit. I want to purge it out, burn it out and get to the other side.
I want to fix it like that.
I want to fix me and how I come. How fucked up is that?
It's beautiful and human and I can totally relate to that wanting. You are brave for seeing it for what it is. You are brave for acknowledging it -- the dark and scary and all.
ReplyDeleteI used to (maybe still do) have this fantasy that I'd lose the fucked up part of my sexuality once I got "healthy" enough. I used to think that would be a sign of progress. I don't know anymore if that's true, or if the progress is in owning the fucked up part as mine, no matter who or where it came from.
I am sending you big hugs today.
Xoxoxo
Thank you so much for these words Marissa. I can't tell you how strongly they landed for me and how helpful it was to to hear them. I am listening too- seeing things from your point of view that I like so much- "owning the fucked up part as mine, no matter who or where it came from." Powerful. Such a struggle for me. You'd think if I could handle my kink I could handle anything!
ReplyDeleteTaking those hugs so gladly. <3