Day 23- someone who deserves kindness

Today was a sick day, pumped full of steroids and trying to keep my blood sugar down. I cleaned, exercised and kept moving while working on keeping my lungs moving air in and out. When I was about half way through cleaning the bathroom, scrubbing the tub and taking the garbage out, it occurred to me that maybe instead of rushing through the orgasm, getting that bell rung, I ought to see how it might be to take care of myself.

I did that by taking a cold shower after all the hard sweaty work and letting the water run over me and being all the way in my tired body. I did it by washing my hair like they do when you go to a fancy lady beauty parlor and they massage your scalp. I did it by finding a cool summer skirt and blouse and fixing my hair. I did it by being patient and less goal fixated. I sat out in the cool night air and rested in it. I looked at the trees. I looked at the sky. I rested in my body without fidgeting, without rushing. I was just practicing being kind to myself.

This is a much more novel practice for me than masturbation practice. This is something that is not easy for me to do. That kindness. Acceptance. A little bit of gentle. For years now I've told myself to be half as kind to myself as I am to strangers. A step in the right direction. Today I was being kind to me as if I were someone who deserved kindness.

* * *

So there are people home now. I didn't have a lot of time but I made a little anyway. I ran cool water in the tub and sat on the edge of it with my skirt hiked up and feet just resting in the water. I smiled. I imagined myself in the mountains where I used to live with my feet in the icy creek on a summer day. I imagined myself dangling my feet in the water. I was gentle when I tucked my metal vibe in my cunt, just a little way in and let it thrum on low so as not to announce to the house what I was doing and I found myself smiling. It felt good. The water felt good. My skirt felt good hiked up against my thighs.

I didn't try and come. I paid attention to all of these good feelings. I smiled some more. Later I rocked a little bit and had a very soft happy orgasm. It rolled up while I was smiling, eyes closed, listening to the water in the tub, the water in the creek, feeling myself moving. It felt like fucking you, or you fucking me, it felt like sweet and low. Felt like humming along to a favorite song. Tasted like rain and cinnamon. My cunt is throbby and hungry but all of this gentle has me peaceful. I am still smiling.

 I know now from this month long masturbation commitment that I can't count on this being my reality tomorrow. I've discovered that this practice is just like healing from trauma. There are good days and bad days. There are days when I'm sure I've figured it out. I'm all better now. Then the other days come and I feel like I've gone backwards, forgotten what I ever figured out. All my glued up cracks are shaken loose again. I've spent as much time in the darkness as I have in the light- but they are always both there. I just have to be a little more patient.

As if I were someone who deserved kindness.