vul·ner·a·ble 
adjective
1.
capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon: a vulnerable part of the body.
2.
open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.: an argument vulnerable to refutation; He is vulnerable to bribery.

Vulnerable feels so much worse than that description. Feels like my heart is beating outside my chest, raw muscle exposed to the elements, to the cold. Feels like wide open nakedness without a coat or blanket in sight. Feels like small and full of holes, with all of me leaking out right into the gutter.

I want a blanket, a way back from this open place,but it feels permanent. I feel invisible and acutely visible at the same time. I feel splayed out in public places and a ghost girl wandering the edges of my desire all at the same time.

This masturbation work brings me to this raw, raggedy wide open place and I don't like it. I question whether I will ever be able to "undo" this hyper awareness of my desire, my fumbling towards it with awkward hands and a lack of certainty that I'm used to having in sex. Sex with others. Why is it different to do this by myself?

Where is all that cocky assurance then?

I never worry about getting my partners off. Ever. I just listen, pay attention and apply that attention. It's never failed me. Why is this so awkward and difficult? Why can't I listen to my own desire and stand in a place of strength?

I was talking to Fortunatelythisisthebody about how it scares me that I won't be able to stop having this awareness around masturbation, about how you can't undo consciousness and she was saying this is good. I want to believe her. I also want to be able to go back to that lack of awareness, want to get back to blind jack off quick and efficient to the finish line without examining every part of it. I want to believe her that this is good, this will be good. I think it's just a matter of waiting, staying with it and being brave.

Too late to pull up the tent and go to Disneyland instead.
It's still National Masturbation Month, I am still committed.

Tonight I have a flu/coldish thing and my body is one ache. I'm home again and my cat will not budge from my lap. My skin hurts and I can't imagine masturbating even if I could wave a magic wand (would that the hitachi worked that way) and make a door and some privacy.

So tonight there will be no masturbation. If I could, I would be curled up some place private with lots of cushions and really soft sheets. I'd make a tent and play fortress. I'd be very gentle with myself and touch with soft fingers and no demands. Or I'd call someone who wanted to touch me with words and let those words do the work but I suppose that would be phone sex, not masturbation. But it works that way for me sometimes.I just feel the energy connection and I come, no hands, no touching, just energy and words. That sounds just right tonight.