Belated Post Day 11- Watching from the ceiling.

(Written last night but was unable to post) 

Today was full of sun and water and dogs and writing and good writing company. It was a very good day. But now there is this thing looming over me. This masturbation practice is pulling at my sweater and saying okay lets go. I don't want to. I want to curl up small underneath a good blanket and hide. From the raw naked consciousness of this practice, from my past, from myself and from you.

There is no distraction here, no flipping you over and wedging my knee between your thighs and wrestling my way to the top. There is just me, and me and me and all the perforated bits, separated out and I can't tell which me is me- the one in this chair or the one in the mirror.

I can't imagine being any more vulnerable than I am in this exact moment. I am dreading what comes next and this feeling echoes childhood feelings of waiting for what was known but never gotten used to. It doesn't help that it's sunset and the time my father used to come home. It doesn't help that it's almost Mother's Day and this is one of the worst days of the year for me, an old, tawdry trauma anniversary that I'm tired of. It doesn't help that it feels like the worst sort of writing these words but they are the truth and I've committed to that.

This is the foreplay. I wanted some company tonight for what comes next. I wanted to share this experience and take myself some place else. Some place with heat and spark and hard and wet.
But this is what we have here. The girl behind the curtain in her disparate selves, her disconnection to body, to center.

***

The postscript. I fell asleep curled around my vibrator and favorite smut books. I want to tell you I had an amazing orgasm. I want to tell you that I was present in my body and worked it out, climbed my way into something hard and wet and sweet. I have to tell you I didn't get to any of those places. It was a disconnected girl on a bed with me floating above her watching and she (feeling those eyes on her) was just frozen and unable to get anywhere at all except to sleep.