Day 22- The right light

kubica 

"What stunning resilience is so close to our every day that we take, consistently, for granted? What do we adore in only the right light? What do we diminish with our language of garbage and disgusting and horror?

And what gives us the singularity of ordinary miracle when we just show up with our eyes and breath and attention, look around at what we might otherwise consider distraction or a waste of time?"
Jen Cross-
 an excerpt from her most excellent blog project and inspiration for this blog and my fellow masturbation bloggers  (see the blog roll) Coming Home. 

These words hit home for me. Right now, struggling with all of the junk that has been stirred up by this work (I know it should be the best kind of fun right?) these words make me think hard on what is going on in my head. What do I adore only in the right light? What makes masturbation hot and sexy in one moment and dirty and shameful the next? I don't have the answers- that would be too easy. But the questions will stay with me while I try and figure this stuff out.

Once upon a time, about ten years ago or so, I had a long distance Evil Daddy. I was new to being out about my kink, even in my own head and it was quite a gift to be told by someone that it was obvious and how I was hard wired and perhaps I might enjoy letting all of that repressed desire up into the air. I did, in fact, enjoy it quite a bit. It's not a happy ending story, or even a  happy middle story but for awhile masturbation was a glorious thing.

It was a gift I gave to her, and something she demanded with frequency and precision. I was free for awhile, even while I taught myself to control my orgasms, stopping and starting until I could come on my own internalized command and later, hers. Those orgasms were especially intense because they were a tangible thing I could offer up and submission was an important part of my kink at that time. But those orgasms, that practice did not really belong to me, even though it was my choice. That masturbation practice belonged to her.

While we did not engage in age play I was girl in my head and hers and it worked until it didn't. Then my orgasms became my own again. When my fantasies are kinkified I am happy. I don't care how crazy they are if they are in the land of adult kink where I have a chosen role I am good with it. When my fantasies drift to darker places, old shadow lands I am not happy with it. So what can I do to change the light so that I can adore my fantasy or at least- as a friend and brilliant writer said recently, own it.

I wanted to bring you something tasty today. Something hot and sweet and good. This is what I can offer- I wanted to be in the dirt and grass,  playing there, legs spread open, fucking the sky. I wanted to be back in my favorite dirty, deserted alley with my bare legs open to the night and to you and taking you in, a finger at a time and locking down and coming till the wet splashed the greasy pavement. I wanted to take you down with my hands and mouth and teeth and muscle and make you want it, make you want me and come while I listened to you try not to make a sound, try to stay stoic butch with your hard on and your pants around your boots. I wanted leather flying in both directions. I wanted all of it, every hot, good twisty thing.

This was my intention and my desire. My orgasm was hard and swift and made me whisper things in the dark, behind my closed eyes. My orgasm was full of the sound of leather flying and pain from the porn I surfed up and my fantasy took me some place in between where I wanted to be and where I am afraid to land. That is what I have for you today. That is what I have for me today. And it's enough.

I am grateful for company and inspiration and encouragement on this crazy journey. Without the kind comments and insight from my fellow writers I would be in a dark place in this moment. I am grateful for the good people in my corner. I'm grateful for you and for your words. I am grateful for the spaces in the world where in the right light I adore it all. I adore you.